It ain’t easy being the Morrison Man. Let me qualify that. For me, it’s easy. Here’s how a typical day in the life of a Morrison Man begins.
6:00 – Wakes up from a dream that he bagged three of the world’s most beautiful women while simultaneously fighting off a gang of twenty corporate attorneys.
6:00:15 – Looks to the left and the right. Realizes it wasn’t a dream. Nurses welt on elbow from snap latch of swung briefcase.
6:05 – Gives ladies phone number of ex-Morrison Man lovers’ support group.
6:15 – Bids farewell to two of them.
7:00 – Bids farewell to the third.
7:05 – Gets up. Doesn’t brush teeth. Instead, prefers to cuss halitosis germs out of mouth.
7:15 – Writes names of enemies on 30 separate bricks. Punches bricks. Follows up with 53 pushups on knuckles.
7:30 – Five minutes of spiritual chanting followed by fifteen more minutes of punching bricks.
7:50 – Opens fridge. Tells oranges to stop embarrassing themselves and give up the juice. Oranges comply.
7:55 – Cuts bread with sarcasm. Toasts it with ironic insults.
8:00 – Prepares breakfast of platypus egg (whites only) and maple-cured walrus back. Washes it down with Sri Lankan civet dung (medium roast).
8:01 – Eats breakfast while reading a chapter of Danielle Steele novel (gets me good and surly)
8:16 – Assesses threats from numerous jealous husbands.
8:16:05 – Chuckles wryly to self.
8:17 – Goes outside. Tells cloudy sky it had better learn a trade otherwise it needs to try harder. Clouds part.
8:18 – Greets hipster neighbor with so much unbridled honesty that it actually shatters his emo glasses.
8:18:10 – Picks glass shard out of pinky knuckle.
8:30 – Shower time. The Soap du Jour is Eucalyptus and Spearmint. It’s perfect for waking up the senses and steeling the nerves for another day of living an honest life. There’s more than a hint of sage and lavender in there too. All combined, it’s like bathing in the bright, woodsy, floral shower of Nature herself – while Nature gets up and makes you breakfast.
8:50 – Final check in mirror. Mirror shatters from awesome overload.
9:00 – The day finally begins. Another story of the legend to be told.